Master Cleanse

Hey Lovelies,

I've been reading up on the Master Cleanse

And I think I'm going to try it.

This is the one where for 10 days

You drink Lemonade with

Maple syrup and Cayenne pepper

And nothing else.

I don't think I'm doing this mainly for the weightloss

Seeing as the minute you leave the diet

The weight seems to come back.

I'm mainly doing this

To get myself back on track.

I've been mesmerized by food.

Completely under it's spell.

Infatuated.

I need to break myself out of this.

And start eating to live

And not living to eat.

I want to be able to NEED food again.

Not simply WANT it.

I'm house sitting/dog sitting for a friend

Starting Aug 19th.

During which,

I have the perfect amount of time

For 10 days of cleanse

1 day of juice

and 1 day of soup

Before I go back to my family

And normal food.

They don't get it.

I'm excited to readjust my

Relationship

With food.

I'm also super duper excited

To clean my insides.

Have you guys ever felt like you were just

All gunked up inside?

Like there was a crapload of

Crap

That just wasn't leaving you?

Well, this is supposed to get ride of that.

So, has anyone tried this diet?

Results? Thoughts? Tips?

Thanks.

Yogourt

Ana's Girl:

Thanks for the encouragement, love. I totally agree with loving hunger again. I can't wait.

Why?

What the fuck is wrong with me?

Last summer, it was so easy.

I dropped 10 pounds without trying.

Why isn't it happening this year?

I. Don't. Get. It.

Before a meal, I'm hungry. So I eat.

And it's not even that I eat shit.

I eat healthy things.

Broccoli, tuna, whole wheat pasta, rosemary-lemon water.

But after,

I feel sluggish and disgusting.

The heat doesn't help.

It's so hot.

I can't move.

Why is it so fucking difficult?

Why can't I stop eating?

I am disgusting.

Dancedancedance

Just got home from dance class,

My first dance class

Of ever.

Contemporary,

Taught by an old, european drill sargent

Who had her hip replaced 4 years ago.

Her grace

Is mindboggling.

I am worn out

In a good way.

Muscles like spaghetti

Overcooked.

I am going to be sore tomorrow

The good sore.

The I've-worked-hard type of sore.

I ate crap in the morning,

Then nothing, nothing, nothing,

And danced, danced, danced.

And came home and ate some veggies and humus.

I'm not going to beat myself up over it.

Next week,

I'm going to try street jazz.

Hippity-hoppity street jazz.

I want to be good at this.

I want to feel this high as much as possible.

I feel accomplished.

For once.

Mindfuck

I'm so tired.

So. Fucking. Tired.

I haven't slept in... 4 days? 5? I don't know. They are all blending together.

I want to starve.

I want to cut.

I want to disappear.

There's a razor in my drawer.

I know that I should remove it so it's less tempting.

But I'm afraid to open that drawer because

As soon as I do,

The Razor is going to jump out

And cut me.

As I sit here,

I feel my rolls

Rolly, rolly tummy,

They bunch up together,

Rubbing,

Chafing,

Just like my thighs,

They stay together, whispering secrets

Rubrubrub

My arms stick to my sides in the heat

Rubchafesweat

Fat

So fat,

That all I want to do

Is reach for The Razor

And cut it all off.

Piece by piece

And feed it to the crows outside my window.

The crows on their spindly legs.

They could use some rolls.

Vodka....... :)

Hey lovelies,

Please forgive my typos

I'm like, fucking wasteeddddd!!!

:)

I just got back from a party,

And had like, wayyyy too much vodka,

But my friend drove me back, thank the Lord,

So today was a good eating day:

Brekkie: plain cereal and milk

Snack: coffee with artificial sweetener

Lunch: 1 plain raw red pepper + a bite of raw cucumber

Dinner: half portion of handmade pasta (whole wheat) and some vegan sauce, half table spoon of low fat cheese

I know I said it was going to be fast today, but then I realized I was invited to pasta night as a graduation party, so I couldn't say no.

I mean, I fucking MADE all three of the sauces.............................

But I had the one with least calories and fat so it was okay.

Plus I played Capture the flag and ran like, for fucking hoursssssssssssss hehehehhehe



Oh a positive note,

During prom, I hooked up with one of my guy friends,G, and it had been awk between us

But I talked to him tonight, and I told him I wanted to go back to where it was, to where we were just friends,

And he was cool.

And I also talked to one of my ex girlfriends, someone who been mad at me and who'd I'd been mad at,

But we're fine too, now,

So, good night in general. :)

I love my friends,

And while I don't love my body, I'm really happy that I don't get asian red when I'm drunk...
Heeeeheeeeeee

Love you ALL.

So much

You get me through more shit than you know,,,,,

MWAHHHHHH

Rena

EHehehehehehe <3

I understand...

Hello Lovelies,

I just watched the documentary 'THIN' and I gotta say,

I'm fucking pissed.

I have battled depression, cutting and eating issues for some time now and I can honestly say this: I would rather suffer through my issues on my own than go to a shithole like that.

Honestly speaking, I've never really had any treatment. I pulled myself out of cutting by finding religion and focusing on other parts of life. While I still relapse on rare occasions, I'm sure that I've done a better job for myself than the staff in that documentary ever could.

Every time someone said 'I understand', I wanted to jump into my monitor and strangle them with my bare hands.

No. I don't care how many books you've read, or how many cases you've studied, analyzed and worked with.

You. Don't. Fucking. Understand.

Just because you know what ot expect and you know how to put it into words doesn't mean you understand.

It's like someone explained to you what sunshine felt like. Or what 'red' looked like. If all you had to base your knowledge on was someone else's account, then that's all you've got: You KNOW about it.

You don't UNDERSTAND shit about it.

Don't tell me you fucking understand how I feel. Unless you've taken scissors and dragged them across your skin, or cried yourself to sleep after eating dinner, you don't understand a single shred of how I feel.

Until you hate yourself so much that being anything would be better than being you, you don't understand how I feel.

By the end of the documentary I wanted to gauge my eyes out. The ward was disgusting. The nutritionist was a bitch. All she did was accuse and doubt.

In fact, most of the ward did just that: Accuse, doubt and fucking UNDERSTAND.

You know what? I know what I'm going to do if my dream of being a veterinarian fails.

I'll become a therapist.

At least when I say I understand, I can pull up my shirt and wave my fucking scars in my patient's face to prove it.

iwanttocutiwanttocutiwanttocutiwanttocutiwanttocutiwanttocutiwanttocut
iwanttopurgeiwanttopurgeiwanttopurgeiwanttopurgeiwanttopurgeiwanttopurge

I am going to fast tomorrow.

Rena

Testing 1, 2, 3

Hello Lovelies,

I am better since my last post. There was a lot of unresolved shit flowing out of that one. But that stuff is cool now.

I have an exam in an hour and a half that I haven't really studied for. Ah well, not that I really need to.

I dunno... I've been feeling really, well, numb. Kind of just going through the motions.

This past weekend I went out with a few friends to the beach. It was too cold for bathsuits, thank God, but still warm enough to be enjoyable. We watched the sunset together, three girls in a tangle of arms, lets and hair. I caught myself thinking that I am so happy to have a best friend who isn't super thin. She's taller than me, with really thin legs, but her torso is thicker. She weights a little more than me due to the height difference but that really doesn't matter. I was just thinking how I am happy to have a friend who I am not constantly jealous of.

It feels nice to know that she understands where I'm coming from.

On a different note,

I've been really bloated lately.

And it's not just because I'm lactose intolerant.

I've been taking my pills, and avoiding dairy.

But I'm always rolling in pain after I eat.

That sounds like it'd be great motivation to not eat... but,

It's annoying. I'm uncomfortable because of hunger pangs before I eat.

I'm hurting from being so bloated after I eat.

Well, then...

It's getting out of hand really. My waist is 2 inches thicker after eating than when I first wake up. All because of bloat.

I just had some oatmeal with a few baby carrots and some dijon mustard & avocado dip. Hope it doesn't hurt during my exam.

Sorry this post is so boring. My life is kind of on a stand still.


Blah,

Rena

Starting Over

Well, fuck.

It's been a while.

And, I've been a horrible girl.

All my progress, however small, is now gone.

I'm starting over.

I need to forget all this shit.

Seriously, my mind is a clusterfuck of neuron explosions.

I am going to forget him.

I am going to stop hurting.

I am not going to reach for the razor.

Or scissors.

Or kitchen knife.

Or letter opener.

Or bad food, for that matter.

I am on a purge of the bad in my life.

From now on, things are positive.

No. More. Fucking. Excuses.

I need someone to slap me and say: Bitch, stop crying.



Rena