I understand...

Hello Lovelies,

I just watched the documentary 'THIN' and I gotta say,

I'm fucking pissed.

I have battled depression, cutting and eating issues for some time now and I can honestly say this: I would rather suffer through my issues on my own than go to a shithole like that.

Honestly speaking, I've never really had any treatment. I pulled myself out of cutting by finding religion and focusing on other parts of life. While I still relapse on rare occasions, I'm sure that I've done a better job for myself than the staff in that documentary ever could.

Every time someone said 'I understand', I wanted to jump into my monitor and strangle them with my bare hands.

No. I don't care how many books you've read, or how many cases you've studied, analyzed and worked with.

You. Don't. Fucking. Understand.

Just because you know what ot expect and you know how to put it into words doesn't mean you understand.

It's like someone explained to you what sunshine felt like. Or what 'red' looked like. If all you had to base your knowledge on was someone else's account, then that's all you've got: You KNOW about it.

You don't UNDERSTAND shit about it.

Don't tell me you fucking understand how I feel. Unless you've taken scissors and dragged them across your skin, or cried yourself to sleep after eating dinner, you don't understand a single shred of how I feel.

Until you hate yourself so much that being anything would be better than being you, you don't understand how I feel.

By the end of the documentary I wanted to gauge my eyes out. The ward was disgusting. The nutritionist was a bitch. All she did was accuse and doubt.

In fact, most of the ward did just that: Accuse, doubt and fucking UNDERSTAND.

You know what? I know what I'm going to do if my dream of being a veterinarian fails.

I'll become a therapist.

At least when I say I understand, I can pull up my shirt and wave my fucking scars in my patient's face to prove it.

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I am going to fast tomorrow.

Rena