3rd Session

Hey lovelies,

It's working. Definitely.

Really, it's quite amazing. I have not binged, or come even CLOSE to ANY sort of out of control eating for an entire week.

I ate when I felt hungry, stopped when I was full. I haven't been able to clean my plate most of the time even when the portions are medium sized.

I had a bit of an urge once, just once. I was reaching for the carton of icecream when I asked myself the questions my therapist hypnotised me to use. Do I need this? Will I feel bad about this later? If my sister (little sister, she is quite a bit over weight and I try my best to help her control her eating) were to reach for this, would I approve?

No, No, No.

Three quick no's later, the fridge was shut, spoon back in drawer and all cravings gone.

Holy crappers.

I've also been more keen on exercise. I dunno, I just WANT to move now. It's so weird.

The therapist has also offered me more free sessions. He is amazing. 4 hours would total to about... $450-600 Canadian... and he's doing it all for free since I'm having so much progress. Wow.

However, there is some bad news:

My mom is on to me. At least, she's unhappy about the changes in my eating habits. She's unhappy about my being a vegetarian (She wants me to go back to being pescatarian.) and the fact that I leave food on my plate.

She's the classic type of mom who shows her love by feeding you. *sigh*

I know she's just caring for me, but she needs to understand that I'm sick and tired of carrying these extra 20+ pounds around.

Anyways, I wanted to weigh myself for the first time this week, but I realized I just drank a bowl of soup and a lot of water. :(

Will weigh myself tomorrow morning.

Hope all is going well with you guys. I love all your blogs and comments. Even if I don't comment on your blogs or reply to the comments, I read almost every single one. It really means so much to know that there are other people struggling with their weight, the control, and are able to understand how I feel.

Stay strong!
XOXO
Rena

2nd session

Hey lovelies,

The 8 days between session 1 and session 2 was interesting. For the first 4 days, I didn't really have my usual interest in food. As in, I ate when I was hungry, and had no interest in it when I wasn't.

Whoa, weird.

I really didn't notice how much I thought about food until I STOPPED thinking about it.

My 'full signals' also worked better, for the lack of a better phrase. There were no binges because after I was full, (not stuffed), I just lost interest in my meal.

It was greatttt.

However, like my hypnotist said, the first session isn't normally EXTREMELY effective; it takes a couple of weeks. So, after 4 days, my old habits started coming back. I had a binge, and rest of the time, snacked a lot. :(

After a good 4 days, and then a bad 4 days, I saw him again, and it feels more effective this time like he said it would.

During the second session, we didn't just deal with weight/eating issues, we also talked about my self esteem, my panic attacks, school, stress, etcetc.

The session was the day before my SAT's, (I live in Canada, but I'm trying to get into UC Davis since it has one of the best graduary schools for veterinarians) so we did a lot of calming exercises.

We figured out that I am a classic stress-eater/borderline bulimic. (Confession: During my hiatus I purged a few times.) He taught me ways that I could hypnotize myself to be less stressed whenever I felt a binge/panic attack coming on.

So, all in all, it's been 12 days since my first session. I've lost about 4 pounds (I need a new scale. Mine is not exactly accurate) and am back at 143. 4 days since my last session and I haven't binged once. I've had one or two moments where I've wanted to, but it was pretty easy to control.

I've also joined the SSPO challenge with Mad Bird (hope you're doing well, love! I've missed you too!).

♥ SSPO Challenge ♥

(Oct. 2 - Nov. 1)

1. Lose a minimum of 5 pounds.
2. Drink at least 50 oz. of water a day.
3. No soda unless it's DIET.
4. Absolutely NO Halloween candy.
5. No ice cream or cake.
6. No second helpings at meals.
7. Only fruits and veggies for snacks between lunch and dinner.
8. No more than 1000 calories a day.
9. No eating past 8 pm

I'm having around... 1100-1200 calories a day. I know it's more than what's allowed, but this seems like the amount that makes my body happy in terms of weight loss so I'm going to stick to this for a while. (I'm also doing a lot of yoga and walking to tone). If I start plateauing, I'll adjust as needed.

SW: 147, CW: 143, GW Nov 1: 140.

Stay Strong!
XOXO
Rena

Hypnotherapy Session #1

Hey lovelies,

So, had my first session today. :)

And, I have to say, I quite enjoy it. It was my first time ever, but apparently I went under pretty easily.

It sure felt like it!

It feels like... being under 15 heavy, down blankets, extremely warm, comfortable and relaxed. It's almost like being asleep, without losing conciousness.

Anyways, it's not something where one would see results after 1 session. Typically takes about 3 or 4.

So, we worked on curbing the unneccesary/binge/emotional eating, and upping my exercise.

We're working on reducing my intake by 15-20% at each meal (each meal being a normal, healthy, vegetarian diet) and speed walking 5 hours/week and yoga twice a week.

I felt really relaxed and self assured after my visit. We didn't just talk about eating, but a lot about my past struggles with depression and other things. He brought up a lot of issues that I didn't even realize were connnected.

I had dinner at a little cafe after the session. I had a cup of coffee (black) and half of my bocconcini basil tomato sandwich.

Came home after dog walking volunteer and was hungry at 9:30. However, during the session he hypnotized me to not eat after 9.

I didn't touch anything except water.

I think it's working. :)

Stay tuned! Updates by next Fri.

Stay strong,
XOXO
Rena

Hypnotherapy

Hey lovelies,

Sorry for the horrible hiatus.

I've been horrible.

Eating normal.

Haven't weighed myself since my 143 in the last post.

Anyways,

I'm starting hypnotherapy weight loss this Thurs. :) I can't afford it. At all. But I managed to find an amazing therapist who aggreed to waive the costs if I volunteer to be used as an example in some of his classes or tutorial videos.

I'll update as much as possible.

Stay strong,
XOXO
Rena

FatFat McFatterson

Hey lovelies,

I'm back after a week of normal eating. Normal, 1300-2000cal a day. For an entire week.

Guess who's the failure of the month?

I was at 141, too. Now I'm back up to 143. So close to my goal, but then I HAD to go and ruin it.

I must still make by Sept goal. No excuses. School is starting, which means more walking, less time to snack at home, and more of a chance to skip meals.

Between now and Sept 31, I want to lose a meesely 9 pounds. What means 1167cal deficit a day. If I can't do this, then I'm officially doomed to be a fat tub of lard for the rest of my miserable existance.

Fatfatfat
Stupidstupidstupid
Failurefailurefailure

No wonder no one thinks I'm good enough. Geez.

Stay strong,
XOXO
Rena

Binge

Hey lovelies,

I am feeling not so lovely.

Binged.

Crackers with peanut butter, veggies with dip, pistachio nuts, potato salad, fried rice,

I was so full, I wanted to purge. It was physically sickening having THAT much food in me.

But I didn't.

Went for a walk. I am back, and still feel like puking.

I'm going to sleep. Catch up on all your blogs later.

Stay strong,
XOXO
Rena

WTH???

Hey lovelies,

Wth?? I never knew, but bubble gum can have 25 cals per piece??!!!! I made the horrible mistake of not looking at the nutrition info BEFORE I put it in my mouth. Stupidstupidstupid.

Breakfast: Soup 150cals

Lunch: Diet coke 0cals

Dinner: subway veggie delite sandwich 220cals

I was at 370cals, perfect for a 400cal day and then I go and have a piece of hard candy 8cals and a piece of gum.

403. Damndamndamn.

I know it's only 3 extra cals, but still. I don't like it. Not one bit. 403 just doesn't look as good as 400.

A good note is that I worked today (I work in retail), which meant walking/standing for 5 hours, and then I walked dogs at the local animal shelter for 2 hours.

The fact that there HAS to be a deficit calms me.

I have resolved not to weigh myself tomorrow. I will wait until after Sat (fast day).

Stay strong!
XOXO
Rena

Hoodia

Hey lovelies,

Sorry about the lack of blogging regarding the diet. I actually slipped up the first day and ended up at 1000, which is hilarious since I had SO much room with 800.

Anyways, so, I disregarded that first day of failure and started on the second day. That 800 day went well, (730ish) but bad thing is that I didn't do any exercise. At all. I actually sat on my lardy bum ALL day. :(

Today was the 600 day, and it was good. Breakfast was veggie broth: 100cals, lunch was 5 crackers (130) and dinner was salad (250cals). 480, not bad, not bad.

Because before dinner, I did a 10km speedwalk. 625 cals gone.

Still, after getting home I pinch my fat and decide that it's not nearly enough. *sigh*

Ok, so, today I bought myself some Hoodia pills. It's the Hoodia Pur from Santénutra. Has anyone tried it? Any reviews?

Tomorow will be 400 cals along with first day of Hoodia. I'll keep you guys posted!

Stay strong,
XOXO
Rena

Killing Nazis

Hey Lovelies!

Just an update before I go off to watch Inglourious Basterds (hence the post title).

The past two days have been not amazing. I stayed around 1000cals each day, exercised some, and didn't weigh myself. My scale is dead though. Has been for a while. It's not very accurate so I convinced my mom to get a digital one sometime this week. I'm kind of scared to find out I'm actually 10 pounds heavier than I thought, and it was just the old scale giving me inaccurate readings.

Anyways, I read about the 2468 diet on someone's blog. (800, 600, 400, 200, fast, 200, 400, 600, 800, 600, 400, 200, fast, 200, 400, 600, 800, or something like that. I might have the exact order a bit off, but that's the general idea.) And it's supposed to keep your metabolism from shutting down since you're always altering the amount you're feeding yourself.)

So, I'm starting that today. 800 for the day. I've had... 45cals of berries and 40 calories of corn. Hope the rest of the day goes well! 800 should be too hard.

pokerface: Hope you're feeling better and things are cooling down in the house. Too bad on the health food thing. Yeah, my family used to be like that, but then I just started putting my own things in the basket, and trying to cook for myself as much as possible. The family moved to a healthier diet after they realized that I was chubby and my sister was actually OVERWEIGHT. And shoes!! Kurt Geiger is <3<3

"Mad Bird" Vicodin reminds me of House. :) Love that show. Anyways, I hope your pill quest/research has gone well! Please post your findings! I'm sure lots of people are looking for information. <3<3

I'll try to post everyday on this new diet and see how things go.

Stay strong!
XOXO
Rena

Edit: Ugh! Movie was cancelled due to conflicting schedules.

Side note: I am so, so, so mad. Right now, I'm in grade 12, applying for University. It seems like if I'm doing anything, and I mean ANYTHING other than studying or playing piano, then I'm a lazy, irresponsible person. It's the last weeks of summer, for Pete's sake. Why can't I just enjoy some time, and I'm not even saying ALL the time, just SOME time to myself. Jeez.

[/rant]

143!

Hey Lovelies!

Yesterday wasn't as successful as the day before. It started out good, and at 8:30pm I was sitting at a not-amazing-but-comfortable 519cals. Then mom brings home japanese food and INSISTS that I eat some of it.

If anyone else here has asian parents, you know that you don't refuse when they INSIST. :( I push it around and eat as little as possible, but since it's takeout, I end up at a very blah 1150-1200 or so. The only thing that kept me from feeling TOO disgusting was the fact that I walked 5km that day from to the library.

To make up for it, I woke up at 7:00am and did 45mins of skipping rope. Well, I tried, but since it was my little sister's rope, it was a little short. (Haha I've waited SO long to say that. I'm 5'4'', so, not exactly a basketball player here) I gave up after 20 minutes of tripping, and went for a good jog instead. Ah well. At least I wasn't sleeping. After that, it was 15 minutes of bellydancing/stretching.

Then I weighed myself, and found out I'd lost another 2 pounds. I LOVE not being on my period. 65kg!!!! Dancedancedance

Last night, I worked out a reward plan for myself. After all, we all work better on positive reinforcements, right? :D

So,

140pounds - haircut
135pounds - makeup splurge, you know, GOOD stuff
130pounds - shoooesssss <3<3
125pounds - Mani/Pedi (I've actually NEVER gotten one before)
120pounds - PROM DRESS
If I get any lower, I'll take dance lessons. I've always wanted to, but really, who on earth wants to see a fat girl dance???

When I start going back down after a slip-gain (because I KNOW it'll happen), I'll let myself do a LITTLE bit of shopping. Under $30 each time.

"Mad Bird": Haha Rants are good! I know what you mean! I can't stand it when fat people wear clothes that simply aren't MEANT for them. I mean, they can look less disgusting in empire waists, boot cut jeans and structured blazers, so why don't they just STICK to that? I can't stand seeing a 250pound person in a tube top of jean mini. Ewewew. I agree with the eating thing too. I have a friend who's like that. She's 150pounds, and complains about it ALL the time. However, she stuffs her face all day and websurfs. Gee, I WONDER why she's gaining. Haha glad I'm not the only one who thinks like this!

sorry_i_can't_be_perfect : Thanks! Yeah, I miss being able to do that. However, I remember being able to do it at about 135 pounds so you're really not far off! Let's make it our goal! Haha keep checking, and please tell me when you can do it again. I'll be looking forward to it!

Stay strong,
XOXO
Rena

And she's baaaaaaaaaaack.

Hey lovelies,

I am back on track! Today was pretty awesome. I was afraid it was going to be hard to cut back after a week of reckless eating, but it turned out my pigishness acted as reverse thinspo.

Almost a liquid fast today. Had a piece of brownie this morning (250cal), grande americano at lunch (16cal). Sad thing is, I forgot about the Slim Quick pill I took an hour before, which is the equivilant to 2 cups of coffee. So... I had 3 shots of expresso and 2 cups of coffee within an hour of eachother. Needless to say, 30 minutes after my americano I was shaking like a druggie going through withdrawal. I was feeling so sick I thought I was going to puke, so I went and bought myself a vitamin water (120cals) and that's all I had today.

386 calories.

I also walked for about an hour, to and from volunteer, along with a little window shopping detour to reward myself.

1400 calorie deficit achieved. Finally. Haha

So, after I got home, I was pleased to find everyone was out. Dinner was set out, and I suddenly rememebered the rule about getting ride of food you would normally eat. I took some potato salad (my favourite), some fried rice and poured myself a glass of OJ.

All of which promptly went down my toilet. :) I'm so pleased with my control. All my favourite foods, and I didn't even bat an eyelash.

After this, I worked up the courage to weigh myself...


WTH I LOST a pound???? 145!

With all that crappy eating, sleeping, not moving at ALL and I LOSE a pound??

Body, sometimes you amaze me.

I have a feeling this is going to be a good couple of days because I found some good thinspo that you don't have to look up. It's always around you.


-cross your legs. Done? Good. Now cross them again. Can you? I know that for 99% of you, this won't be a problem, but since I'm a fat cow at the moment, I can't. I realized this today and it KILLED me (and helped me decide I didn't need that oatmeal bar for lunch) I NEED to be able to double cross again.

-next time you are on the bus if you take the transit, look around you. Here's always the fat girl with the too big bottom, and she's the one who has trouble finding seat without squishing the person next to her, or she has trouble manuevering herself to the door when the bus is crowded. Don't let this be you.

-When you're walking down the street, look around you. If you live in America or Canada, you definitely see the girl walking around in shortshorts, but has cellulited thighs that rub together constantly, from knee to crotch. Gross, right? Don't let that be you.

Phew! Rant over. Haha I am SO relieved. Going to study some, catch up on some blogs and go to bed. Hopefully tomorrow will be the same.

Stay Strong!
XOXO
Rena

So Fail

Hey lovelies,

I haven't posted for the past few days, and man, I have REALLY been going off track. I had my period and it was really bad this time. (They usually get me pretty bad, mad cramps, cravings, migraines, I've got it ALL) I was so uncomfortable that I just gave up. :(

I've probably gained like, a million pounds. I have no idea, and I'm way too scared to check. I was feeling better yesterday so I did an 8km walk/jog, but I doubt that would even put a DENT in all the crap I've been cramming into my body.

Failfailfail.

Back on track starting now, seeing as I had a big breakfast. Ugh!

Stay strong (unlike me)

XOXO

Rena

VegetarianJobPills

Hey Lovelies!

First: I'm thinking of geting myself some diet pills. I'm kind of scared of what to get though, so I was wondering if anyone has tried anything with good results, or if I should just get suppliments like Hoodia or Acai?

Anyways,

Today was an okay day food wise. Probably around 800 calories. My house is currently getting renovated, so I'm doing SO much cleaning, lifting, moving furniture from room to room, etcetc that I think I burned most of it off. I also walked to and from a job interview, along with a little walk around there to get an iced black coffee, which adds up to about an hour. Regardless, it's still too much. I have to lower it and shrink my stomach so I don't want more.

I've also decided to go back to being vegetarian to make restricting easier. I was vegetarian for a little while during the spring just to see if I could, and I kind of liked it so I'm going back. This time however, I am going to change it from Veggies, Eggs, Diary, Seafood to Veggies, Eggs, Rarely Diary and Seafood occasionally. I'll also try to cut out any white grain consumption, and do some rawfoodonly days.

On a side note! I got a job. :) Selling clothes to old ladies, which I think will be thinspo. Haha it'll either be: 'Don't you DARE let yourself look like that' if the lady is fat, or 'Wow, Rena, a 60 year old looks better than you. Do something about it.' if she's thin. :)

K, off to bed. <3

Stay Strong
XOXO
Rena

WEIGHTLOSS YES!

Yayayayay! I lost 2 pounds! 146. :) I guess my daily habits were so bad before that even when I was doing so horrible compared to everyone else I still lost weight. Haha,

Anyways,

I'm kind of surprised, really. Today was an average eating day, 1100 cals, but of good things, like salad and fish and brown rice. Apparently that's the amount I'm supposed to eat if I'm aiming for the healthy 1-2 pounds a week weight loss. I would have been pretty angry if I hadn't had to move EVERY SINGLE FREAKIN PIECE OF FURNITURE in my house from the 2nd story to the main floor. Geez, I'm tired. Haha we're having our carpets changed tomorrow.

Okay, so, for tomorrow:

Since we're going to have people over and the schedule is going to be hectic, I think I can move my eating times far enough from my family's to skip at least one meal. Maybe I'll hit the library. In fact, I think I will. Haven't gone in a while.

Regardless, however, 146. :) Progress is such good thinspo.

Stay strong, lovelies!
XOXO
Rena

Good/Bad day.

Hey lovelies,

First of all, thank you so much for the lovely comments. It means so much to have people read this. :) Everytime I want to eat something bad, I think of you guys and it seems less appealing.

Anyways, today was bad day in that it was the last day of summer school, (I'm taking math 12) and I bomb the final and drop from 93% to 87%. Yes, yes, I know that it's still an A (I'm in Canada, not sure what the scale is in other parts of the world) but seriously, I was aiming for at least a 90%. :( It's alright though because I'm going into grade 12 next year, so I can retake it, get an amazing mark and apply to Universities and colleges with that. I'm just sad that I didn't make a goal I set out, and that I won't be able to be ahead.

However, on to my food day. It wasn't bad. :)

For breakfast I had a slice of whole wheat bread, nothing on it. (70 cal)

After finals everyone went to get icecream, but (thankfully), I left my wallet at home so I didn't get anything. I had a tiny lick of my friend's fat-free sorbet, which was burnt off by walking to the icecream palor anyway.

Lunch I had some stir-fry veggies, which I made with minimal olive oil, just enough to stop the garlic from sticking. I had 2 bites of rice so that wasn't so hot but I'll go for a long walk after this to burn that off. (I'm not sure how many calories that is.)

For dinner, I'm not sure what's going to happen. I know that my mom is going to cook, but I think I might say I'm really hungry before dinner, eat a fatfree tuna, celery, cucumber salad (150-200 cals) before hand and then I'll be too full when dinner rolls along. :)

On a side note, I love those little cans of tuna that you can get. They're 60-80 calories each, come in awesome flavours like spicy thai chili or lemon and thyme. The protein really fills you up and when paired with safe foods like lettuce, cucumbers and celery, make the best salad since the spices in the tuna take away the need for dressings. (I like to put a little bit of lemon juice, salt and pepper, but that's it.)

Like I said in my first blog, I don't think I would ever be able to NOT eat, since I live with my family and they would FREAK out, but the best I can do is eat as much calorie free food as possible to make it look like I'm eating a lot, but in reality, not have that many calories and crap enter my body. :)

So far, I think I've had about 500 calories, not too sure. If we're going by that, then I've created at least a 1200 calorie deficit. If I go on an hour long walk I can creat that 1400 deficit I need.

Maybe I'll jog. Haha I hate running. I suck at it.

Anyways, I'm off to do some sort of movement.

Stay strong and keep losing, lovelies!

XOXO
Rena

Ohhh dear.

So, today started off really well, with half a piece of whole grain toast with a touch of Nutella (50cal), 3/4 cup of apple juice (90cal) and a cup of water. For lunch I had tall passion tea lemonade (100cal) and later a grande americano, black (15cal).

That adds up to about 255cal, and I did a lot of walking around while I was handing out resumes today so it was fine.

Then... it all went down hill. WAY downhill. I'm talking straight off a cliff here. I was at a friend's birthday party, and what do they serve? Icecream cake and pizza. That's it. I wasn't gonna have anything until the hostess looks at me and asks me why I'm the only one not eating. Before I could use the 'I had a late lunch' line, my friend pipes in and says: Yeah! You've haven't even had lunch yet! Eat!

So I end up eating 700cal in pizza and icecream.

I did a LOT of walking and played half an hour of volleyball, but I can't stop feeling like a disgusting tub of lard. Having 1000 calories isn't going to help me get to where I want to go. I have 25 days left to lose 10 pounds. That's 25 days to lose 35000 calories, which means a 1400 a day deficit. I burned about 2000 calories today, and ate 1000. I am already 400 behind. I will walk to and from school tomorrow.

I will restrict and maybe fast, but I draw the line at purging. Mostly it's because I love my teeth too much to put them under the abuse my stomach acid will have on them.

Tomorrow must be better. I must lose the weight. There is no excuse for failure.

XOXO
Rena

Diet Post #1

I've been on this site for a while now, reading the posts by these amazing people telling their stories and struggles regarding their weight and self image. Here's mine:

First of all, I do not have an ED, nor am I trying to achieve an ED. I am simply a girl with self image issues trying to get a better body. Honestly, there are some days when I look in the mirror, and think to myself: Hey, you look pretty good today. However, there are also some days when I feel 20, 50 or 100 pounds heavier than I actually am.

My goal weight doesn't have much to do with being skinny enough to see all my bones, or fitting into a size 00. In fact, I don't want to be skinny enough that I lose my breasts and hips, with my hip bones jutting out underneath my shirt. I'm not saying that that is not attractive, because on certain people, it most definitely is. However, that look is not for me. My ideal female body IS one with a flat stomach and barely - if not touching thighs, but also one with breasts, hips and an hourglass figure.

From tomorrow on, (Well, today, since it is 12:51), this blog will be my food diary, my thought diary, along with random babbles and such that come and go throughout the day.

I pray, I pray, I pray, to not be the 'chubbygirl' anymore.

I want to be the light, cute skinnyminny that the guys scoop up and toss in the pool.

I want to be the small asian girl that people want to hug and protect and cuddle.

From now on, before I eat anything, I will come here and read a post. That should help.

Thanks so much for reading and posting. It means the world to me.

XOXO

Rena

Off my back

This is strange:
Listening to your voice coming from the other room.
Clear as day,
As if you were here,
With me,
In this house,
And I was eavesdropping on your conversation.

Normal conversations,
With your mother
(Of course)
About laundry, dishes, cooking,
and when you were getting home at night.

"6pm, mother. As soon as I get off work."

What a good boy.

I am frozen.
Petrified, from head to toe,
The only thing I can do is
taptaptap
My frantic heartbeats on to this screen
And pass it off as 'poetry'.

This, however, isn't poetry.

It's the splatter of my vomit,
Bits and pieces of words, thoughts, pleas,
Burning a blazing trail up my throat
Leaving behind acrid tasting treadmarks.

I can try,
But I will never be able to turn
The sweet, rotten-peach sound of your voice into verse,
Or capture your dripping, slime-words of ignorance
In my paper jar.

But that's okay.

Because what I know now is that forgiving someone,
Isn't the same as being a doormat.
Being happy for someone,
Isn't the same as losing yourself.

I will shut my eyes,
Stuff my ears,
Plug my nose,
Close my mouth,
Cover my self in bubblewrap,
And smile at you with vomit dribbling down my chin.

:)

Essayer. I dare you.

Let me start this post by laughing miniacally. Seriously, it's too bad I can't record it so you can hear it. Rather, it's too bad you're never going to see this:

Really? Do you honestly think he'll ever have feelings for you?

Ok, let me just lay this out for you, love:

He may have changed over the past 8 months, but that does not cancel out the time I spent with him. To a certain degree, I know him. Therefore, I can say without a single shred of doubt in my mind, he will never love you.

Don't get me wrong, you're an amazing woman. Unfortunately, he's never going to see that. To him, you are intimidating. You are too forceful to be pretty.

You, honey, are a handsome woman. You have too much pride to let him win. You're never going to be able to lay yourself down, and WILLINGLY stroke his ego with a tender caress. You can challenge him, you can push him, but I'll promise you he'll never push back the way you desire.

I'll even help you. I'll tell you about the things that make him squirm, how he likes to be touched, what he likes to hear, the sounds that he makes when you tease him just so. And you can mimic them. Wear your hair down and curly, wear flat shoes and suck on plump, ripe strawberries and chocolate covered almonds. You can slick your lips with clear, shiny gloss, clad yourself in flowy sundresses and aviators, listen to indie rock and jazz, wear Cassis Rose perfume and bake him ginger molasses cookies. None of it will mean anything.

Because you'll never be me.

You're too forceful, tall, needy, big-boned, clumsy, awkward, know-it-all, polite, pale, blonde, theatrical, neurotic, controlling, oppressive.

You can't ever let go of anything.

You can't make him want you.

You can't make him ache for you.

You can befriend him. MSN him at night. Tell me tidbits of your conversation to make me feel like the outsider.

That's okay.

Because I had something you'll never have.

So go ahead. Essayer. Try. I dare you.